I think my brain functions differently than most people's. I think of my brain like a vault of film reels. I have this unfortunate ability to run through my mind, pick a reel, watch that reel in my mind's eye and then regurgitate every single emotion I had historically from the event. What I cannot do is always control when and why I pick out these "reels" and how I handle the emotions that come with them.
For example, 5 years ago I was driving and saw a white car, I thought nothing of the car...however there I go running in my mind. I grabbed a reel, the biggest in there and watched it. Next thing I know, I'm 30 miles from where I was before and frantically calling my mother screaming I'm lost...completely unable to determine how I got where I got. Of course, this is one of the most extreme instances of brain power vs. mental preparedness I have. However, yesterday I grabbed a reel and spontaneous vomited out my car window during my lunch break. Why do I keep grabbing these old memories from the dark corners of my mind. I would love to forget anything bad ever happened and I swear I have enough therapy bills to know that I have confronted my demons for hours and hours before now.
I really feel like this is just my problem too. I don't think others are as masochistic as I with my brutal regurgitation of the worst moments of my life. Granted, I recently had my world rocked, so maybe that's what I'm doing: running around trying to straighten out the shelves in my head after a earthquake. It's an odd analogy but it's the best one. I know that I haven't had these mental "freak-outs" for quite some time, and hopefully I will not continue to do so. Maybe once I place everything back in its place I can start putting new reels up again. Ones with puppies and new homes and birthday parties. Maybe.
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