How to move past the cobwebs?

I think my brain functions differently than most people's. I think of my brain like a vault of film reels. I have this unfortunate ability to run through my mind, pick a reel, watch that reel in my mind's eye and then regurgitate every single emotion I had historically from the event. What I cannot do is always control when and why I pick out these "reels" and how I handle the emotions that come with them.

For example, 5 years ago I was driving and saw a white car, I thought nothing of the car...however there I go running in my mind. I grabbed a reel, the biggest in there and watched it. Next thing I know, I'm 30 miles from where I was before and frantically calling my mother screaming I'm lost...completely unable to determine how I got where I got. Of course, this is one of the most extreme instances of brain power vs. mental preparedness I have. However, yesterday I grabbed a reel and spontaneous vomited out my car window during my lunch break. Why do I keep grabbing these old memories from the dark corners of my mind. I would love to forget anything bad ever happened and I swear I have enough therapy bills to know that I have confronted my demons for hours and hours before now.

I really feel like this is just my problem too. I don't think others are as masochistic as I with my brutal regurgitation of the worst moments of my life. Granted, I recently had my world rocked, so maybe that's what I'm doing: running around trying to straighten out the shelves in my head after a earthquake. It's an odd analogy but it's the best one. I know that I haven't had these mental "freak-outs" for quite some time, and hopefully I will not continue to do so. Maybe once I place everything back in its place I can start putting new reels up again. Ones with puppies and new homes and birthday parties. Maybe.

Oh dear, derailed again.

If I sat down and wrote about every time I was singled out and maliciously hurt by others, you would all pack me up and send me off to the loony bin, for anyone being through my horrendous story would need to be there. However, I am not going to go there...at least now since I still have strings of my sanity left and don't feel like a personal pity party, at least right now.

HOWEVER, it happened again. I'm not going to go into all the embarrassing details involving my friend's husband literally carrying me into his truck for safe keeping, the number of bruises I attained prior to said friend's husband appearing, or why I was so intoxicated on a Friday at 5pm. Let's just say something happened that BLEW my world up like at atomic bomb and the mushroom cloud is just clearing away. The point I am going for is not how hurt I am...that's obvious. Instead I'd like to focus on: WHY the HELL do people go around doing such STUPID things?

I am no angel by any one's estimation. However, I grew up. I learned from my past mistakes and I don't do them again. I understand that my actions reflect not only upon me but many others and I, in part, am responsible for the happiness of others. My good friends practice these same morals and all in all (despite I think all us girls want to shed, eh a few pounds) we are happy well adjusted people. Then there ore those "other" people. The kind that commit adultery, the kind that says "oh I used to love him," "oh whoops, did I steal your presentation idea," "Oh no! I would never share your deepest secrets with the National Enquirer." No the last one's never happened to me...but hey I bet it has to someone!

So to all these "other" people. GET A FUCKING LIFE!!! Whether you're male or female, married/single, gay/lesbian/straight, rich/poor...you are a freaking human being so treat the rest of us as human beings too. It's fine if you hate your life and your world have no family and no responsibilities and want to jump off a bridge. In fact, please do since it will save the rest of us from your indiscretions. Don't waste or time & hurt our lives by your messed up self-absorbed lives. Try just try once to forget you're a miserable piece of shit and think outwardly for all of us who don't want to smell your stink. PRETEND to be kind & thoughtful.

I have had a hard time with church and religion over the past 10 years or so, but I do believe in heaven. AND darn straight I plan on being there and forcefully sticking out my tongue at those "others" who don't make it through the gates. I know its not my place to judge...but it's not the "others" place to take either.